life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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