if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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