Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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