I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
