fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.