the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
