The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
