I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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