he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
