8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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