I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
