look no pants
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
