so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
