i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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