I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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