highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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