I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
