I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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