So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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