Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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