I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
