so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
