When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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