Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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