Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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