You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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