I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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