Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Shame is for Republicans.
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