I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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