May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
