you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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