Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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