scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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