we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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