I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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