don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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