what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
