i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
