I want to walk on stilts...naked
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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