He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
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Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
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Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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