If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My breasts were aching with rage.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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