Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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