I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
