we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
