She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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