Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
