Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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