Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
