My room smells like vodka and shame
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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