Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
