yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Randomize
