Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
