Don't make out with my wife yet
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize