just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
