I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
