i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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