AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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