Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
